Southern California Driver's License Application

  Name: ______________  Stage name: ___________________

  Agent:  ______________  Attorney: ____________________

  Publicist: _____________  Manicurist/hair stylist: ___________

  Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __

  If female, indicate breast implant size:  ____

  Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
  a motor vehicle in any way?       Yes ___  No ___

  Occupation:
  [  ]  Lawyer
  [  ]  Actor/Waiter
  [  ]  Filmmaker/Self-employed
  [  ]  Writer
  [  ]  Car Dealer
  [  ]  Panhandler
  [  ]  Agent
  [  ]  Hooker/Transvestite
  [  ]  Other; please explain: ______________


  Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____

  Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex:______

  Please list:
  Brand of cellular phone:  __________.

  (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

  Please check hair color:
  Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum Blonde
  Teenagers: [  ] Purple [ ] Blue
  Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

  Please check activities you perform while driving:
  (Check all that apply)
  [  ] Eating a wrap
  [  ] Applying make-up
  [  ] Talking on the phone
  [  ] Slapping kids in the back seat
  [  ] Having sex
  [  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
  [  ] Tanning
  [  ] Snorting cocaine
  [  ] Watching TV
  [  ] Reading Variety
  [  ] Surfing the Net via your laptop

  Please indicate how many times:
  a) you expect to shoot a gun at other drivers ____
  b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

  If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
  a) Call the police to report the crime;
  b) Call Channel 39 News to report the crime, then watch your car
      on the news on a high-speed chase;
  c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
      company for 911 call not going through;
  d) Call your therapist;
  e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

  Please indicate if you drive a:
  a) BMW
  b) Lexus
  c) Mercedes
  d) Toyota/Honda/Nissan
  If your answer is D, please be advised that you may not
   qualify for a driver's license in the state of California.

  In the event of an earthquake, should you:
  a) stop your car
  b) keep driving and hope for the best
  c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
  d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel39.

  In the instance of rain, you should:
  a) never drive over 5 MPH,
  b) drive twice as fast as usual
  c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

  Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

  Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
  a) Prozac
  b) Zovirax
  c) Lithium
  d) Zantax
  e) Viagra
  If none, please explain:  __________________.

  How long does it take for you to drive to work?:
  a) 1 hour
  b) 2 hours
  c) 3 hours
  d) 4 hours or more

  When stopped by police, should you
  a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance card ready
  b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405.
  c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
      ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
  d) reload your gun before coming to a complete stop.