| Acura Integra | I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. |
| Acura Legend | I'm too bland for German cars. |
| Acura NSX | I am impotent. |
| Audi 90 | I enjoy putting out engine fires. |
| Buick Park Avenue | I am older than 34 of the 50 states. |
| Cadillac Eldorado | I am a very good Mary Kay salesperson. |
| Cadillac Seville | I am a pimp. |
| Chevrolet Camaro | I enjoy beating up people. |
| Chevrolet Chevette | I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. |
| Chevrolet Corvette | I'm in a mid-life crisis. |
| Chevrolet El Camino | I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. |
| Chrysler Cordoba | I dig the rich Corinthian leather. |
| Datsun 280Z | I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. |
| Dodge Dart | I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. |
| Dodge Daytona | I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. |
| Ford Escort | I'm a red-headed nanny. |
| Ford Expedition | I paid a lot for this 4x4, the 4wd wont engage, but its ok cause I dont want to get it dirty. |
| Ford Fairmont | (See Dodge Dart) |
| Ford Mustang | I slow down to 85 in school zones. |
| Ford Crown Victoria | I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them. |
| Geo Storm | I will start the 11th grade in the Fall. |
| Geo Tracker | I will start the 12th grade in the Fall. |
| Honda del Sol | I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. |
| Honda Civic | I have just graduated and have no credit. |
| Honda Accord | I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. |
| Infiniti Q45 | I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. |
| Isuzu Impulse | I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports. |
| Jaguar XJ6 | I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. |
| Kia Sephia | I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp. |
| Lincoln Town Car | I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. |
| Mercury Grand Marquis | (See Lincoln Town Car) |
| Mercedes 500SL | I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. |
| Mercedes 560SEL | I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole. |
| Mazda Miata | I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler. |
| MGB | I am dating a mechanic. |
| Mitsubishi Diamante | I don't know what it means either. |
| Nissan 300ZX | I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. |
| Peugeot 505 Diesel | I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. |
| Plymouth Neon | I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. |
| Pontiac Trans AM | I have a switchblade in my sock. |
| Porsche 944 | I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. |
| Rolls Royce Silver Shadow | I think Pat Buchannan is a tad bit too liberal |
| Saturn SC2 | (See Honda Civic) |
| Subaru Legacy | I have always wanted a Japanese car. |
| Toyota Camry | I am still in the closet |
| Volkswagon Beetle | I still watch The Partridge Family |
| Volkswagon Cabriolet | I am out of the closet |
| Volkswagon Microbus | I am tripping right now |
| Volvo 740 Wagon | I am frightened of my wife |
| Geo Tracker | I wanted a Jeep but this is all my parents could afford. |
| CJ/SJ/J | I own a real Jeep |
| YJ | I should have gotten a CJ |
| TJ | It looks kinda like a CJ and it's under warrantee |
| XJ | I wanted an SJ but was afraid of its size |
| ZJ | Of course I off-road, my driveway is gravel!!! |
